Can Women Have It All?

For those of you who also follow me on Twitter and/ or Facebook, you know that I kept a close eye on my hours at work last week. I ended the week with a grand total of 57 hours worked in 5 days. It was a really rough week for my physically and a very hard week for my family... but in a way it was a great 'work' week. I wrapped up a couple of big projects, presented something I've been working on for quite awhile to the Governing Board, and was audited (successfully) by the ADE. And this got me thinking...

Three years ago I left the principalship over weeks like last week. I found that 50-60 hour weeks were the norm for that job, rather than the exception. And, I have to admit, my work life during that time was very rewarding in a lot of ways. I rode the 'high' when projects got completed, when we had a good outcome for a student, or when an evening event was successful. I rode the high of looking over a completed week and knowing just how much I had accomplished during that time at work. In a way, I think I also rode the high of just having the stamina to complete multiple weeks like that in a row.

On the flip side of that coin however, were a lot of lows. I had the low of really not being with my kids- of not knowing my kids as human beings. I had the low of watching other people (mainly my parents and Joe) take my kids places and do fun things with them because Mommy just wasn't available. I had the low of not talking to my husband about anything real or important for months at a time. I also had the low of never, ever exercising... and eating like complete and total crap (which, by the way, was a habit I returned to quickly during the chaos of last week). And finally, I had the low of just simply becoming a person that I didn't really like very much- a person who was very selfish and self-centered.

Now, I have a job that has very few highs- last week was a big exception on that front. For the most part I sit at a desk and push paper. I spend a lot of time balancing budgets and working with numbers (not a huge interest area for me) and I feel like I have VERY little impact on children or on families (which is why I got in this business in the first place). My current job deals a lot with the 'politics' of education. I guess the best way to say it is that my current job has lots of lows.

But my current life has LOTS of highs. It's a high knowing my kids and being a solid part of their daily routine. It's a high that most nights we eat a home cooked dinner together as a family. It's a high to sit and do homework with Colin and watch him learn to read- bit by bit. Taking Julia to choir and Colin to Karate and being part of their activities is a wonderful high. It's a high that Joe and I manage a date night at least once a month, and that we have time to spend together most nights. One of the best highs is that he's still awake when I get home, even when I have a late night, and I can cuddle up with him and fall asleep in his arms. My new body is a high too- it isn't perfect- but is much better than it used to be.

I know which set of highs I want. And I've made choices that support that set of highs, and clearly show my husband and my children their value in my world. I know that some day Julia and Colin will be grown up and won't need me the way that they do now. I am proud of the choices that I have made in my marriage, in my family, in my career and in my life.

But, now and then, I do miss the work high. Just a little bit... and during weeks like last week I see how quickly and easily I could get drawn back into the fast paced high that work could offer to me. Probably a grass is always greener on the other side type of situation, but...

When our mothers and fathers and society told us (girls) that we could have IT ALL... were they lying to us?

A Preview of What 12 Will Be Like....

I decided to take Julia dress shopping this weekend. You see, we've been invited as a family to a wedding (congratulations Russ!) at the beginning of May, and I decided that we should go dress shopping for Julia while the Easter dresses are on sale. I thought this would be a fun shopping trip... hit Kohl's, try on a few dresses, pick one out... you know the drill.

We were going to go Sunday afternoon- just her and I- but the afternoon got away from us- simply got eaten by a variety of chores. We ended up going as a whole family on Sunday in the early evening. This was good- the store wasn't too busy and we had plenty of time to wander and look. Julia saw lots of dresses that she liked. Unfortunately, a LOT of the dresses that she liked, Mommy and Daddy DID NOT LIKE. Since we've moved in to the 7-14 size clothes (Julia needs a size 8 now for the length alone...) it seems that we've also moved into very 'adult' like clothes. Here's one of the dresses that Julia felt that she just HAD TO HAVE.I don't know if this picture really does the dress justice. Let's just say it was made from super clingy, stretchy fabric and clung to my 8 year old daughter in a way that a dress just shouldn't cling to my 8 year old daughter. We finally settled on trying on several dresses... including the one above (with a VERY clear caveat that we would NOT be purchasing that dress, but that I understood that sometimes it is fun to try on things that you wouldn't normally buy.)

So... in the dressing room we go. She tries on each dress, then goes out to show it to Colin and Daddy who give their opinions. After about 6 dresses, we narrow it down to two. One that Mommy and Daddy both like, feel is appropriate for the occasion and looked adorable on her.
This dress also got bonus points because it was very complimentary to the dress that Mommy had picked up on the way into the store, tried on and fell in love with (can't find a photo of my dress, but it is ivory with green and brown flowers and a green sash at the waist, with a flowy skirt). I could just envision our entire family in green, white and brown... just a coordinated dream!

Julia liked several others... including one that was VERY fancy... too fancy unless she was going to be the flower girl or some such thing in the wedding (which she wasn't going to be!). Her taste in ALL the dresses was simply way TOO old, TOO mature, TOO revealing.

As we are having this conversation with her, she starts to cry. Not just a little bit cry, but a big 'ol huge sobbing cry. I walk away and leave her with Daddy, but he is not able to fix it either... so we end up leaving Kohl's with only a dress for Mommy... and no dress for Julia.

We come home and the tears continue. Tears for the dress that was never going to be. We talk for awhile before she goes to bed, and I offer to take her to some more stores on Monday- with the hopes that we can find a dress that we BOTH agree upon. She was still emotional when we talked about it on Monday morning... as soon as I brought up the dress- the tears started to flow.

Monday afternoon, we hit the mall. Went to the usual suspects- The Children's Place, JCPenny, Sears. She saw several she liked, but none were 'the one'. I was even bending my rules a little and letting her look at fancier dresses- just in the hope that we could agree on a dress that didn't make her look like she was 18. We had decided to go to one more store- The Burlington Coat Factory. When we walked in the store, we saw this dress hanging on a rack right by the front of the store.... and she feel in love with it! The one on the rack wasn't her size, so we walked to the back of the store (momma praying the entire way...). She found several dresses she liked (at very reasonable prices I must say...) and she tried them all on. She finally selected this dress. So, it's a little fancier than I wanted. And not quite what she had in mind. But in the end Momma and Julia (and Daddy when we got home) are all happy.... But, here's the question... if it is this hard to dress my little girl at 8... what will it be like at 12? 16? How can I handle this better next time? How do I convince her that dressing like a 'hoochie-mama' really isn't the way to go? Boy... this mom thing just gets harder and harder.

(BTW, my mom is probably laughing hysterically about right now and saying "You deserve it after what you put me through!"

Happy Birthday to You!

This week my niece and nephew will both have birthdays. Asher is turning 6 and Gundry is turning 4. Unbelievable to me that these little people are growing up SO FAST!

At this moment in time, I have only one niece and one nephew. I do hope that that number will increase as time goes on (Joe has a younger brother and sister who may have children someday- I hope they do if they want to and when they are ready) but for now, I have just the two.

But even if there are more nieces and nephews, Asher and G-man are the cousins that my kids are growing up with- the ones that I will know the best and be the closest to- simply because of their ages and the ages of my own children. That makes these two very special to me.


Happy Birthday Asher and Gundry- from your Aunt Carrie who loves you so much that you can never use it all up. Watching you grow up is one of the best parts of my life. Here's wishing that all of your hopes and dreams come true. I love you both.

Friends

I went to dinner with a couple of girlfriends last night. We had a great time! We went to the Melting Pot- had a few drinks and ate WAY too much! It was one of those really great evenings where you laugh a lot, cry a little and just talk, talk, talk. I think we even scared the waiter a little- he would just walk by our table and shake his head.

I am finding great comfort and joy in my girlfriends. It's funny. I haven't had many close girlfriends in my life. I've never lacked for friends- or acquaintences- but there have been very few close girlfriends that I really trusted. I'm not sure why that is... in high school I think I was too wrapped up in Joe, in college I was just too busy, and following college for some reason most of my close friends were guys. Then I had kids- and then I was a principal and flat out just didn't have time for any friends at all. But, in the past few years I have developed some close friendships- and those friendships have really enriched my life.

On the drive home, when I was flipping radio stations, I heard this song. Might be a little cliche, but the lyrics really jumped out at me. Let's just say it was after 11 and I was driving down the freeway with the windows and moonroof open singing at the top of my lungs...

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong

And I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need

Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride

If I have things you need to borrow

For no one can fill those of your needs

That you won't let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand

We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem that you'd understand

We all need somebody to lean on

Here's a thank you to all my friends- male and female- from all the different parts of my life. Thanks for making my life a richer and better place.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.


Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! :)

Good News!

I went to the eye doctor today.

Now, for some folks, that is a minor thing- go to the eye doctor, get new cool looking glasses, life is good.

For me, going to the eye doctor is an event that is usually scheduled months in advance, involves two doctors (an ophthamologist and an optometrist), the latest and greatest in medical technology (several types of retinal scans), and needless to say creates a great deal of anxiety in my life. I typically have to 'prepare' myself for this appointment. I dread the appointment... dread the conversations... dread the results...

After putting it off for two months (and after getting FOUR postcards from my eye doctors) I decided today was THE DAY. I was going to call and make my appointment. I figured I'd get that part done and it would give me another two months to prepare for the actual appointment. So, I called. And I was greeted by this... "We actually had a cancellation for this afternoon. We can get you in to see both doctors today."

Holy cow.... today... well... okay. I wasn't really ready to go today, but... they had an appointment. And I could see both doctors... and well, that didn't give me too much time to get nervous- right?

So at 4 o'clock today I headed over to the eye doctor and submitted myself to the yearly round of tests. After about 40 minutes of having every color of bright light shined directly into my eyes, puffs of air shot at me, clicking endless buttons when I see something on the screen moving, followed by the typical "Which is better... 1 or 2?... 2 or 3?... 3 or 4?" (I particularly hate that... seriously... they all look the SAME!) I was done. And then BOTH doctors came in to let me know that there has been NO DISEASE PROGRESSION AT ALL IN THE LAST 18 MONTHS! WOOHOO!!! This was simply awesome news... awesome, awesome news. My preventative measures are working. I've managed to stop the disease... for now.

They followed this with the unfortunate news that even with glasses or contacts they can't get my vision to 20/20 anymore. Which is a bummer, but I'm doing okay corrected at 20/30... so... for now it will do. I need to avoid driving at night as much as possible. I can live with that. We keep talking about what the options will be in the future- sounds like they are doing some awesome new things with both glasses and contacts, so I know that this will all be fine in the future.

I ended the appointment with my favorite guy in the office- Bill. Bill is a total fashionista who helped me (for the second time) pick out a awesome new pair of frames (I loved the glasses he picked for me last time, so just turned myself over to him again for another new pair!). They are black plastic frames that are red on the inside... can't wait to get them so I can post a pic!! They are funky and fun and totally different from any glasses I have had in the past. It was a great way to end the appointment (and I'm gonna stay focused on that and not the almost $700 bill that I got at the end of the appointment... and that's WITH insurance folks!)

Anyway, just wanted to share the great news!

P.S. I know many of you have very mixed feelings about stem cell research. I had it myself at one point in time- and I still feel that it needs good regulation- just like all science. However, scientists believe strongly that macular degeneration is one of the first diseases that they can 'cure' with stem cells- completely stop the progression of the disease. The only trick is that once vision is lost, there is no way to bring it back. Which means, for me personally, the sooner the better. However you feel, whatever your position on this topic, please stop for a minute today and think about what that research means to someone like myself. Think about the fact that without it... it is possible that I will miss seeing the latter half of my life- my children getting married, my grandchildren, my great-grandchildren. Please... all I am asking you is to think.

Rites of Passage

My little girl isn't a little girl any more. At least that's how it feels to me.

Funny how birthdays and such really don't bother me- I love the fact that my kids are getting older. They are developing so much more of a sense of themselves and how they fit in this world. So, for me, the days that seem to make most moms sad- the first day of Kindergarten, certain birthdays, and other firsts- don't usually bother me. In fact, I meet a lot of those days with joy- knowing that they are bringing about a new adventure in life for both my kids and myself.

But, every now and then, something small will happen, and for some unknown reason it rocks my world, and just shows me how quickly time is passing and that my kids are growing up before my eyes.

Julia is having a sleep-over tonight. Not a 'spend the night at Nana and Papa's house' or 'have the cousins at our house evening' but a real, true, sleep over with a friend from school. A friend whose parents I don't know all that well.... all I really know is that the little girl is sweet. She and Julia have been friends for several years and they get along very well. We've done several 'playdates' which have always been fun.

Needless to say, this event is happening at our house. Momma just wasn't ready for Julia to spend the night at their house. But, my heart knows that that's the next step.... and probably is very close in the future. And then my mind is filled with all of the other things that are coming before I know it... and as much as I want her to have all those experiences. and as happy as I am that she is having them... I know that as she does, she'll grow and change. And not be my little girl any more....

And for today, at this moment in time, that's making her momma just a little sad.

Choosing Wisely

Have had a really rough day today... seems like nothing is going well at work, home is chaotic, Colin has decided that listening to Mommy is overrated, and I'm trying not to be disappointed that Joe and I have been planning a weekend away (sans kids) for months, and it is possibly not going to happen- or if it does happen, he probably still won't be feeling the greatest.
So, my mood has been less than wonderful, my complaining is at an all time high (especially at work- think those people are about to drum me out of the place), and I've just been moping around. So much for the 'new appreciation' from a few nights ago.
But, saw a post on Facebook tonight from my dear friend Mark Eley that reminded me that, "When you are choosing your attitude you must choose wisely."
And I'm choosing it, right now. I'm choosing to see the positive in my life: healthy kids, almost healthy husband, still have a job, still working in the profession that I have a passion for, have a beautiful house, etc. etc. etc.
Here's to a positive outlook and a positive attitude. Thanks Mark.....

Legs and Wings and Antennae, Oh MY!

The second grade at Julia's school had their music program tonight- "Legs and Wings and Antennae, Oh MY!" It was WONDERFUL. A great combination of the science and music curriculums for second grade. Julia did a fantastic job. (But, I'm her mom so I have to think that!) Seriously, she had a speaking part, and she was GREAT! Compared to the other kids, she was really calm, spoke slowly and clearly...
No pics from during the performance... the MPR is just not kind with regards to photography.. but here's a photo of her prior to the performance. She was SO excited....

Great job Miss Julia... Daddy and I are so proud of our girl!

New Appreciation

Okay, you know how sometimes God puts a few challenges in your path- just as a way to wake you up and make you a better person? Well....
Lately, I've been feeling a little full of myself. (I know... just lately?) Seems to have gotten a little easier to balance my job, motherhood, keeping the house, running, etc. My kids are getting older- are a little more independent, and have both discovered the joy of earning allowance by doing a few household chores. Anyway, since the holidays, I've felt pretty successful in keeping everything balanced. I think I've also had a few judgmental thoughts (again.. not me?) about folks who seem to struggle more with the whole parenting thing. How hard can it be to keep your kids fed, clothed, homework done, etc.?
Welp- I've gotten knocked down off of that high horse in the past few days. See, Joe got sick. Now, for those of you who know Joe, you know that he's been sick like 5 times in the entire time that we've been together. He just NEVER gets sick. He's a healthy guy, takes good care of himself, and I swear his metabolism just kills the germs off before they have a chance to take hold. Anyway, he woke up Saturday morning and he was SICK. I've never seen something come on so strong or so fast. We went to the 'Minute Clinic' and they told him he had bronchitis. Gave him some antibiotics, cough syrup, etc and sent him home. Kids and I had a good Saturday. Did some chores, played a little, had pizza for dinner. Joe slept. Sunday came, and the bulk of the weekly responsibilities hit. Laundry, cleaning of rooms, and the identified chore of the weekend- which for this week was to try on last year's shorts, etc and determine clothing needs. I also rotated the closets and pulled out items for donation to Goodwill. On top of this, I did more house cleaning than normal since Joe and I are scheduled to head out of town this weekend and his mom will be staying at our house.
Anyway, by the time I got all of that done, kids' homework done, and lunches packed for Monday, I was exhausted. Decided to check on Joe- who hadn't made more than a peep all day. After talking to him for about 5 minutes, I decided he needed to go to the ER because something just wasn't right. He wasn't making a lot of sense, was in a lot of pain, and felt nauseous. Called Joe's sister Bic and her boyfriend Eric (thank goodness they were available.. thanks again guys!) to come over and hang out with my kiddos, who were just getting ready for bed, while I took Joe to the ER.
I have never had an ER experience quite like this one. Joe looked like hell, felt like hell, and wasn't coping too well with being in public. Let's just say that I've never seen people in the ER (who have been waiting for hours to be seen by a doctor) actually say to the nurse- I really think that guy needs to go first. Anyway, we got back to a room fairly quickly, got Joe some drugs and some IV fluids, and hung out for more hours than I want to think of. I've never been the one in the hospital just waiting. Joe was pretty drugged up most of the time we were there, and I was stuck watching horrible tv, trying to read with the light out so Joe could sleep and freezing to death. I found out that waiting in the hospital can be pretty tiring- even when you aren't the sick one.
Then, it was home from the hospital in the morning, quick shower, take the kids to school, etc. Came home from doing that, took care of Joe, ran into work for a bit, picked up the kids, took Colin to karate, picked up some groceries, came home, put groceries away, cooked dinner for Joe and the kids (different things of course) and then packed lunches and dealt with the backpacks. Not to mention finished putting away the laundry from last night, and got Julia's stuff ready for her music performance tomorrow night.
So, here's the awareness. I am TOTALLY lucky to have a partner in my life who is helping me raise my kiddos. I have no idea how I could do what I do if he wasn't there pitching in, lending a hand, and encouraging me. After just 3 days without him, I'm ready to call UNCLE. Also, I don't know how folks who have spouses with prolonged illnesses do it... I just don't know how they care for an ill spouse (or parent, or friend) and at the same time care for their families and their homes.
Needless to say, I will now appreciate my friends who are single moms/dads SO MUCH MORE. I will reach out more with offers of help and friendship. I will listen more and be more appreciative of the fact that they are doing really hard work and they are doing it by themselves. I will also reach out more to anyone that I know who is taking care of a spouse or parent or other ill person. Basically, I will BE a better person. :)
Carrie

PS Joe is feeling better. He actually got out of bed for a little while tonight, and has eaten a few small things today. He is able to talk and is actually watching tv with the kiddos while I write this.